Yesterday was a terrible day. I had to deal with obnoxious people on so many levels and all I wanted was to come home and just sit (sans cocktail, obviously) and be with my husband and forget about my day. What actually happened was I came home, walked the dog, talked to my sister who had an equally crappy day, and then found out that my husband wasn't coming home because he was having dinner with his family who just happened to be in town. They only live about an hour and a half away, so it's not that big of a deal, but a free meal is a free meal and it was rush hour so there would have been no point in me trying to get to where they were to try to join them.
So I accomplished the coming home part. I did sit. But I did not forget. I watched Marley and Me, which in hindsight was not the best choice, but it was our latest Netflix and had to either be seen or be sent, so I watched. It made me cry. That made me sad.
My husband came home just as the movie was ending. I was crying. He hugged me. I didn't want to talk about my day or explain the tears. He didn't need me to do either. He just held me. He told me everything would work out. He said that we'd get through all of this. I cried some more. Only now I was crying for me. I was crying for the turn my life has taken. I was crying for the baby inside of me who doesn't care about the people I deal with or the job I do or don't have. I was crying because I am bringing a life into my awful reality and sometimes, I wonder if I am doing the right thing.
I woke up this morning hoping to have expelled my thoughts from the day before, but alas, they remained. And then the baby kicked. And again, I wondered - am I doing the right thing? I know this will pass. I know I will love him with all of my being. I know that his sheer existance will make this all go away. I know. But knowing is not feeling. And feeling, at least for today, is reality - my reality. So today, I am sad.
Topkapi Palace
14 years ago
I completely understand and feel for you. The highs and lows sort of go with the territory when your world has been thrown off kilter. It's been months since my world was thrown out of alignment, and I do still have really bad days, but things will get better. Life just has a way of working out and while I do not subscribe to the theory that 'things happen for a reason' I am beginning to understand that 'we' are rather resilient. We truly can handle all that gets tossed our way. You are strong. You will see that in the long run. I know things suck right now. Trust in the fact that you will have more good days than bad days soon enough.
ReplyDeleteWhile I am sure my words don't make you feel any better, it didn't help me when I heard them for myself although people try to say the right thing, remember that the bad is often coupled with the good. Focus if you can on something that helps to uplift you (easy to say, difficult to do, I know what i am speaking about here...but try. It really can help) a movie (marley & me = bad choice ;) but something sill would be good. I hope that you have a better day today, and an even better day tomorrow.