T & A

A friend's sister wrote a very funny blog post on the size and shape of her butt. Specifically, how said butt looked in yoga pants. I cannot quite say that I have ever noticed the quadri-butt on myself or even really cared about what my butt looks like (other than in my younger days when I would search for the perfect "butt jeans" for those rare occasions when I actually went out in search of a mate). I can, however, comment on the ridiculous size and nature of my boobs as of late.

I have never really been into my boobs all that much. Some women love their own, I actually was ready to wage war against them at a young age considering they began to define me in fourth grade. Yes, I was the girl who developed early. I really had no choice in the matter - my mother was quite buxom and that was after reduction surgery at 17. We all know that I am short in adulthood, so there I was at the ripe old age of 9, standing about 4'3" tall, and sporting a "training" bra that began with the letter C, yet continued to climb the alphabet ladder as if I was sponsoring that season of Sesame Street.

I was never a fat child or person, but a few years ago, I really took control of my weight and health and shed some pounds. Much to my fancy, I actually went down a cup size! Oh, you can't even imagine! I went from a DD to a D, but now I could buy bras with "skinny" straps (in D-cup language, that means about 1/2 inch in width). It was short-lived, but it was amazing!

Let's go back a moment, shall we? After I graduated from college, I worked retail for a year or two. Not my favorite gig, but it paid the bills. Through a strange series of events, I wound up working at a plus-size women's clothing store. Being petite, I was hated by most of the women who shopped there. I do recall, though, a few times when women would comment on how little, yet, eh em, disproportionate I was. Maybe it was something we could bond over. Regardless, I remember one woman in particular commented on the possibility of my chest size going down after I had children. What! That could really happen? She assured me that it had happened to her with each of her two children, essentially dropping a cup size with each one. Thank God!

LIAR!

I don't know who she was or where she is now, but I am 14 weeks pregnant and I'm pretty sure both of my breasts independently have their own gravitational pull and will soon begin to orbit. I mean, this is ridiculous! In the short time I have been pregnant, I have gone up 2 cup sizes. One would think that would put me at an F, but no! Oddly enough, I have stayed at the same letter, only it has exponentially multiplied. DDD! Did you know that existed? I certainly did not. Skinny straps can kiss my skinny ass, because I could easily use the shoulder straps on this thing as a travel pillow.

To add insult to injury, one of them was particularly itchy yesterday. I could not figure out why, so I had my husband take a look in case there was a rash or something forming in the undercarriage . He asked me what he was looking for and I told him whatever it was that was making me itch so. This may be TMI, but he took one look at my nipple, and said "I'm not sure if I see anything, but that one looks angry." Thanks.

And so my plague continues. I have no idea if these things will get any bigger, but if they do, I'm pretty sure I will begin to resemble a cartoon.